Lynchpin of Girls Aloud, expert hair-flipper, and the most beautiful person to ever hail from Derry, Nadine Coyle, is working on solo material. Unlike bandmates Cheryl Cole and Kimberley Walsh, who both managed varying-levels of top 10 success; Nicola Roberts, who got masses of critical acclaim; and Sarah Harding, who just doesn’t give a fuck; Nadine’s first attempt at a solo career flopped. Reasons for this include a much-maligned record deal with Tesco, and the fact that she just didn’t get ‘it’. As the voice of Girls Aloud, it should in theory have been relatively easy for Nadine to convert GA sales to solo sales, but everything about debut single Insatiable was off, from the video to the dated sound. We won’t even mention ‘Nadine 2.0’, as the woman herself dubbed her attempt to ‘re-launch’ herself as a solo enterprise. Post Girls Aloud reunion and inevitable break-up, and this really is Nadine’s last chance at solo stardom.
Nadine has such an incredible voice, as anyone who has seen her live can testify. She is also someone who puts her all in to each and every performance; the singing, the dancing, the crazy faces. Basically, she has all the raw ingredients to be one of the UK’s premier female popstars. She has been heavily hinting via her Twitter that she has been working with Xenomania, the production team behind all of Girls Aloud’s hits, in addition to hits by pop heavyweights such as Cher, the Sugababes, and Kylie, amongst many others. So will she get it right this time? Here is what we consider essential for Nadine to bring to the table for her new release, in order to make it as popfoolish as possible.
5 things we want to see and hear from Nadine’s new single
1. Kylie Minogue aesthetics
Growing up, as we did, during the peak of Minogue-mania in the late-90’s, we were fortunate enough to experience those gold hotpants and particularly this iconic outfit, first hand. Nadine possess the longest legs in pop. That is a popfools-certified FACT. Use them! Take advantage of them! Hell, take an endorsement deal with Veet, as long as they pay some serious cash for your single video. She needs to launch herself via some iconic, era-defining aesthetics in much the same way Kylie transformed herself from ‘indie’ princess to disco diva. What is the one thing Cheryl Cole’s solo career will be remembered for long after the quite frankly average music is forgotten? This ensemble. Can anyone remember what Nads wore in the video to Insataible? No.
2. Lyrics referencing hands
Not only does Nadine possess the longest legs in pop; she also possesses the biggest hands. One of our favourite Girls Aloud lyrics remains ‘Here I am / dirty hands / I don’t give a damn’ for seemingly being a reference to Nad’s massive hands. We don’t want a hand-filled song, lyrically, but if there was just one knowing reference to them slipped in somewhere, that would be amazing, cheers.
3. A fun, camp, and most importantly quirky video
Try watching the video for Insatiable. Other than this exciting moment, the video is a bore to sit through. We know Nadine is in touch with her fun side, with fan-pleasing and gif-friendly moments such as this and this from the last two Girls Aloud videos. We need much more of the latter and much less of the former. A storyline-led video loosely based on Nadine’s life is our preferred option. It would start off with a poor Northern Irish girl singing in her bedroom into her hairbrush, losing her passport, crying, being made famous by some Simon Cowell-type character, falling in love with a handsome actor, moving over to LA, opening up her own bar, and then resorting to serving customers at her bar whilst singing into a hairbrush about the harsh realities of fame. TELL US THAT WOULDN’T BE AMAZING. We won’t believe you.
4. A ‘we’re beautiful robots, dancing alone’ moment
We all know Nadine can sing amazingly, but she also excels at more poignant, left-the-disco-and-on-a-comedown moments, such as in Girls Aloud’s 6-minute epic ‘Untouchable’. A song which is mostly upbeat, but around the middle 8 changes tempo and has a sad reflective moment, followed by the beat dropping out and a breakdown, before one final triumphant chorus, would be amazing.
5. Amazing font, amazing artwork, and generally lots of money spent on promoting the whole affair.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, but coincides with the following events. When (but not before) the UK X factor reaches live stages, Tulisa is nowhere to be seen. The other three judges step out and then, in a blaze of glory, Nadine descends from the roof, on those wires Pink flies around on, with big angel wings. She divebombs at the other judges, shoos them offstage and performs the single, before taking Tulisa’s seat on the panel. Tell us this wouldn’t be the best thing ever; not only in terms of promotion and showing the wider public what a great show-woman she is, but also in sticking a big two fingers up to Cheryl Cole.
So, Nadine, your future is in your hands. We absolutely love you but we need you to make sure everything detailed above is covered. Particularly the aesthetics. We’re not sure we’ll be able to take another flop from you.
Lots of love,