Eurovision 2016 was here, and has already happened by now. Here we review each song in a brief way in order to save you as much time as possible whilst also giving you all the essential information (just in case you “accidentally” missed the contest). Some of these comments come from members of our family.
Belgium: ‘Uptown Funk’ or ‘Sax’ (Fleur East) sound. A “reasonable costume”, a well choreographed dance routine. But she could pass for 40 despite being only 19.
Czech Republic: Zzzzzzzz. She stands (alone). We don’t like her necklace.
Netherlands: A favourite for the Popfools family (but I found it a bit boring).
Azerbaijan: Off key, sheer catsuit.
Hungarian: Looks like he would be OK, then he opens his mouth.
Italy: Is she a gardener? Dungrees. Off key.
Israel: An emo in a sparkly outfit. Pyrotechnics. Twirly typical Eurovision dancers in background.
Bulgaria: Undercut hairstyle – why do people do that? Big earring. Masculine style. Song is fine. Gimmicky light up outfit.
Sweden: Mockney? Understated – no effort. Strange as we think we would enjoy the studio version of the song.
Germany: “Nice chunky pair of legs”
France: The song name sounds like ‘JC Chasez’ (‘J’ai cherce). Switches to English for the chorus. “You-oooooh-oooooh-oooh”. A solid 8/10 song.
Poland: He’s borrowed Cheryl Cole’s red military jacket. Asymmetrical, ragged hair. Typical Eurovision fare. (Sadface). He paints his nails, too.
Australia: Silly dress – a big shoulder bit for the little lady. Strong song. Disappearing box – how?
Cyprus: Funny camera angles, won’t stay still. What is the point? Wolf howl. Pyrotechnics.
Serbia: She’s singing the song as though she’s in a rush. OK song.
Lithuania: He’s wearing Hi-Tops. The song could possibly be good.
Croatia: Vampire. Massive dress. Elfin. Too ambitious song – she sounds waily and pitchy. Not making the most of her tassly arm bits (on her dress). No.
Russia: A bit ridiculous special effects. OTT.
Spain: She has her dancing shoes on. Song sounds a little like Ella Henderson. Say yay yay yay. Modern. Upbeat. She looks like she’d be fun on a night out. A solid 8/10 song.
Latvia: Minimal house beats but not much melody, not enough to the song. Too vocal-led. And his vocals are too raw for this; not sugary enough.
Ukraine: Big capey-type thing. Sparkly trousers – need to make more of an effort for Eurovision? Minimal sounding. The lady is witchy and weird.
Austria: Cutesy Avril Lavigne pre-puberty aesthetic. Gentle song. She looks nicer when she’s not singing.
UK: Boring staging.
Armenia: Spoken start. Intriguing. Is she trying to look like Nicole Scherzinger? Strange build up for the release. Funny lyotard which draws all attention to her belly button.
VERDICTS: I like Spain, Australia and France best. My family seem to like the UK and the Netherlands best.